Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You Might Also Like
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.