ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
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Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
when someone compliments me
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.