A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
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“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
the dark web is just a goth google.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!