What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
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I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Employees must applaud the planets.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
The “baby” on the left….
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.