I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
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“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Baller is short for ballerina
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
bugs when you lift up a rock
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?