Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
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I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads