a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.