{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
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Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant