What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
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[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.