Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
one of
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.