[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.