Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
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When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.