Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator