This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Every time my phone rings
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.