I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
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COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
HELP 😭