I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
You Might Also Like
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.