Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
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toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.