Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.