@G_Faylor: an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don't act like some big science guy
@G_Faylor: [blind date]
HER: I'm a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
@G_Faylor: I crash my car. Hundreds of pairs of clean underwear instantly spill from my glove box protecting me from harm.
@G_Faylor: [pulls meatloaf out of oven]
he's still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever
@G_Faylor: [Scientist discovering catfish]
Scientist: What kind of fish are you?
Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*