Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Breaking news:
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?