Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
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[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
this is uni
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.