Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GashleyMadison's best tweets

@GashleyMadison : Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

@GashleyMadison: Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn't let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

@GashleyMadison: It's like my nana always said, "If you choose your friends wisely, you'll never have good drugs."

@GashleyMadison: I love playing catch with my dogs when I'm drunk, because I don't have dogs when I'm sober.

@GashleyMadison: [at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

@GashleyMadison: [at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

"You're free," I whisper.

@GashleyMadison: A laugh track, but for every time my boss says "I need this done today."

@GashleyMadison: Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

@GashleyMadison: "For a really awkward time, call me."

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.