Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
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As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Yoga Matt
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.