oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*