A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
You Might Also Like
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner