The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
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“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?