“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?