Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
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Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
never compromise your values
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.