Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GensPlace's best tweets

@GensPlace : Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can't smell their breath.

@GensPlace: I began writing full time 20 years ago. I've sold lots - my tv, my car, my jewellery...

@GensPlace: Avoid cars that have a sign saying 'baby on board'. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

@GensPlace: Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn't mean bottle.

@GensPlace: I'm not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I'd like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

@GensPlace: We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: 'Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces...'

@GensPlace: She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

@GensPlace: Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn't bring her a snack when he courts her it's curtains..

@GensPlace: I know I'm gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

@GensPlace: Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he'd like.

After a stunned silence, I explained 'quiche' was not pronounced 'quickie'.