I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’