When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.