You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Wedding planning is organized crime.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
this is the best interaction on twitter
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?