My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Go hard or stay average
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?