TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
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A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Only a mother’s love …
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
🙅🏻
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”