*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
same bro
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …