Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GinAndJif's best tweets

@GinAndJif : I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can't get out again.

@GinAndJif: A guy just revved his engine and drove off really quick so I had to chase him for three miles to tell him I don't want to have sex with him.

@GinAndJif: If you encounter someone who is massively overreacting to something, calm them down by laughing at them.

@GinAndJif: My transformation from ugly duckling to beautiful swan must be buffering...

@GinAndJif: When animals lick each other it's bonding, but when I do it at work as part of a team building exercise it's all "inappropriate" & "call HR"

@GinAndJif: A hug is basically a mini hostage situation.

@GinAndJif: My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I'm thinking of a lighthouse again.

@GinAndJif: "Dave's coming for dinner tonight."

"Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney...?"

[from outside]

"...hakuna banana."

@GinAndJif: Girls, if you're gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@GinAndJif: Don'tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don'tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don'tcha...?