I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I would move hell over six inches for you