“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.