I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Still cracks me up
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.