COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist