Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
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There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown