An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.