pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
it must be school picture day
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.