I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*