I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
You Might Also Like
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Its true…
found this cool rock hiking today
This has made my week.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed