*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
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hi why am I like this
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.