I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
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Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
This sounds bad:
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.