#have a #great #PancakeDay
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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike