Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
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Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.