*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
You Might Also Like
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.