*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
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It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
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HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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