Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.